Sunday Scramble

Stop on over to Justine's blog to learn about the Sunday Scramble. It is a time to think of the past week while you eat your scrambled eggs. Or maybe it's a time to think of how scrambled the past week was. Or maybe ....

Anyway, here goes...

*Jackass and I learned that I could go bankrupt without affecting his business or 2 of the 3 houses. Although that sounds weird and upsetting, it's actually a good thing. Don't worry, I plan on nailing his ass in the alimony/child support area.

*I told Jackass that he should tell the girls that he is dating Vi, who I am just going to call Ho from now on. I told him I wouldn't throw him under the bus and tell them that it had been going on for over a year or two, just that he started after we moved out. I told him he could either take the offensive and tell them or the defensive when they found out themselves. News flash, they are not stupid!

*I have been going through lots of old pictures with all the moving and shuffling things from house to house. What were my mom and dad thinking 10 years ago? They had the biggest damn glasses! I know, another 10 years and I will look back and think that the glasses they have now are too small. I guess I have to start a box for each of the girls, because I don't really want to keep all those fun family vacation pictures with Jackass in them. It's very strange and surreal to look at them.

*In the past month, I have had Jackass' brother and his family over for dinner along with one of my best friends and her husband who was in our wedding and their kids. We have had a great time eating, drinking and laughing together. There is a part of me that feels badly for Jackass. Whenever we had people over, I would hope that he was in a "good" mood and not in one of his black "the world is out to get me" moods. So there was a lot of effort on my part to keep everything upbeat and happy. Now it is so much more relaxing to have people over. And that makes me feel bad for Jackass. I am better friends with his family and friends than he is.

Going to try to get out in this sunshine today even though it is still cchhhiiiillllllyyyyyy!

Happy Sunday!

Sunday Scramble

Today we have Sunday Scramble sponsored by Justine. As you can see, Justine, I couldn't figure out how to get your cute pancake face on my blog, so I grabbed this one off google.

*Divorce Boot Camp:

This is where I was yesterday. Basically a class to sell some lady's book, I think. Actually she gave some very basic, sneaky information, like before you tell your spouse you are leaving, copy 3 years worth of bank statements, paystubs, utility bills, etc... There were some women there that had been separated for 8 years. What? I would have liked to know what there extenuating circumstances were.

*I stopped by Jackass' house after the class to see if oldest was there. She wasn't, but there was a nice pink folder on the counter with a sweet note from Vi with information she had looked up to help him on foreclosure. Seriously, does she need to stick her nose into our business? Of course it was signed "love V" which made me cry. It is funny the things that make me cry because I don't do it all that often.

*One of our houses was in the legal section of the paper this week for foreclosure. Yeah, that kind of hurt and has spurred me on to empty it out. That means many days spent unearthing things, packing things and getting rid of things. Youngest came to the house one day (I have been trying to keep the girls away from seeing me throw stuff away). Her comment, "You are throwing away all my childhood memories!" Trust me, I am not, but that's how she sees it. I don't blame her, you have to adapt a hard ass attitude to go through years of memories and STUFF!

*Good news is my sister is preggers and due in September!!!! She miscarried last winter, but had an ultrasound the other day and saw the little bugger's heart beating! The girls are going to freak when she tells them!!

Thanks Justine for letting me get this scrambled mess out of my head!

Music

Music has always been a constant in my life. It began at a young age because my mom always had the radio on, even when we weren't home. Blaring Boston in my bedroom when I was a teenager helped to get through those awkward years. Blaring music through my ear phones from my walkman before a competition got my psyched up. Taping music from the radio so I didn't have to buy the whole "tape" was a challenge because many times the (stupid) radio announcers talked over the song at the end!

I have always loved the words of songs. The intense emotion a singer can portray can make me smile, or cry. My song list these days is darkish, I guess. My favorite song at the moment is Beyonce's If I Were A Boy. Every word rings true, but my favorite lines are these...

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

and everythlng you had got destroyed

Another artist I love is The Fray. They have a bunch of songs that I am relating to. How to Save a Life has lots of little lines...

Step one, you say we need to talk

He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you,

You stare politely right on through,

He will do one of two things,

He will admit to everything

Or he'll just say he's just not the same

Over My Head

And suddenly, I become part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last,

I'm losing you and it's effortless

Dead Wrong

Mine is not a new story

But it is for me

Rob Thomas and Matchbox 20 has been one of my favorite artists for a long, long time. I even follow Rob on twitter because I am probably his biggest stalker, I mean fan. Their song I'll Believe You When is upbeat and true.

I could call you everyday

Give presents by the score

And I could send you pretty flowers

Have them waiting at your door.

I could write up in the sky

Forgive me I apologize

Still if I went through every measure

With my promise to be better

You'd say

I'll believe you when

When everything you say don't turn out wrong....

And some day, someone special will make me feel like I feel when I hear Edwin McCain's song I'll Be. For no matter how crappy things are, you have to have some hope in there, too.

Rain falls angry on the tin roof,

As we lie awake in my bed

You're my survival, you're my living proof

My love is alive and not dead.

Tell me that we belong together....

I'll be better when I'm older,

I'll be the biggest fan of your life.

Financial Planning 101

Why is it always around 2 am when my brain starts thinking? Probably because I shut it up around 6 with wine and by 2 am it is dry. Thank God for laptops. Seriously what did people do in the olden days when they couldn't sleep and had no one to talk to?

Jackass and I went to a financial planner yesterday. It was/is a necessity. She was actually really nice and has a good sense of humor. It's amazing how we lived on the edge for so long. Really, when you make money in waves and don't save for the down times, you can really get in a lot of financial trouble. (Duh) More than letting 2 houses go, the saddest part was her telling me I need to get a job. I told her I have been on a 12 year vacation and really like volunteering and giving my time away for free. That didn't fly with her.

Jackass opened up a bit and talked about how he would like to get out of the Northeast in the winter for a month or so and not work so hard. I guess that is one of the lines that has me awake at 2 am. What about your kids? I guess the draw of horses in Florida is stronger.

The financial lady asked why we had so many horses and if we could downsize. Haha. I had to laugh at that one. She basically told Jackass that he should live in the small house for a year or 2 on the farm and pull himself/us out of debt. I was laughing on the inside about this because I could see Jackass' pride getting in the way and the fact that his Ho lives in that little house. What would he do with her? Move in with her? Tell her to leave?

Oh, these are the questions that probably have him awake right now. Too bad he doesn't have a laptop.

Knock, Knock. Anybody home?

After about a week of living in "girls world", and jackass dropping in with donuts and the paper and reading it at MY counter, he finally gave me a letter explaining himself.

Incredibly, he still denied the affair. OK, so that means he lied to my face while looking in my eyes(3 times) and actually wrote the words on paper. So I am thinking, "My God, maybe he isn't having an affair."

I would go over to the house we had moved out of (Oh, I forgot to mention that "her" house and jackass's house are next door to each other) to get stuff from the girls' rooms etc.. or to pick up the dog. Remarkably the house was clean! And guess what? Jackass learned to make his bed AND do the dishes!!!! Oldest stayed over a few times and inbetween the 2 times, she asked me if I had changed the sheets on her bed. "Um, no." She couldn't understand who would hang up her clothes and make her bed when she wasn't there. I told her that Daddy must have hired a maid (or a Ho. Justine that was for you).

Enough was enough. I needed some answers. So one day that I knew the 2 of them weren't working and were "around" I went to find them. I really wanted to find them in bed together so I could sit down on the bed and have a discussion and neither would be able to leave. Sick and perverted, right? Well, I found them at Vi's house. Vi answered the door and said, "Jackass, your wife is here." I said that actually I had really wanted to talk to her.

Jackass came to the door begrudgingly knowing that whatever came out of my mouth wasn't going to be pretty. The 3 of us stood in Vi's teeny kitchen with her 2 dogs. Cozy. I handed Vi a sheet of December activities that included things the girls were doing, parties Jackass and I had been invited to including Jackass' parents annual party and Christmas Eve. I said, "I just wanted to give you this list of all the activities for December now that you are part of the family and all." She stared at me for a few seconds, took the paper and said, "Wow. Thank you, that was really nice." Now Jackass is turning green because he knows I am not being sincere and am being completely SARCASTIC, but Vi is not seeing it that way. She actually thought I was being NICE. Yeah, I am that nice. Come on in, immerse yourself in my family and take over my life. Sure what's not to be grateful and happy about?

The rest of the "conversation" is a bit fuzzy except for parts that stand out like the "How long has this been going on?" question. This they avoided and really wondered why it would help me if I knew and what did it really matter. I said that I NEEDED TO KNOW. "One year" they answered. I'm not sure who answered first and I questioned that the one year hadn't been longer, but they stuck to their guns about this one. Vi asked me if I wanted to take this discussion outside at one point. I was like, "why? Is there something we need to talk about not in front of Jackass?" Or was she going to pummel me like kids did to each other in Junior High behind the bike racks? It was like she was a shrink because she kept saying, "I see that you are angry" "How can we have a discussion if you are so angry?" And Jackass kept saying, "She's angry at me." Um hello, it takes 2 to tango, I was pretty mad at both of you!

I held it together until I left. Jackass followed me over to the horses where my car was. We proceeded to have an unreal discussion about how Jackass was at rock bottom and he didn't know what he was doing. Didn't know what he was doing with her either. I'm thinking "Oh, that's real nice. I am sure she would like to hear that." I told him to buck up and put his smart mind to work and DOWNSIZE. Look at this as an opportunity where he could move to Florida and live on a dude ranch and be warm year round. His dream, my nightmare.

The weird thing was that it was a relief of some sorts to hear them say a year. At least I wasn't imagining things. At least I stood up to her and let her know I wasn't going to make this easy for her. He had lied to me and that is something I do not take lightly. If there had been any chance of us reconciling it went right out the window when I realized that he lied.

What a Jackass.

Why I Moved

I knew you guys were the right crowd to spread this out to! Thanks so much for the support! Really it makes me a little embarrassed, but feel free to keep it coming!

Justine asked, 'Why didn't I make him leave?" A good question. Things were actually starting to look a little better in Sept because we were communicating. We were communicating about how much debt we were in, but I at least felt like we were on the same team, fighting for the same thing. We own 3 houses. Yes, that is definitely one of the problems. We got carried away and spent way more over the years than we should have and jackass always said, "no worries", so I went along blissfully unaware. We found out in Sept that 2 houses were entering into foreclosure status. The house that Vi lived in and that the land connected to with the horses, was safe. I can hear you yelling, "kick the bitch out and move in there yourself". Well, remember how I am allergic to horses? Well that also includes dogs, cats, any furry animal, mold, dust..... The house that she lives in is tiny and old and would kill my respiratory system. So, it was not an option.

My thought was to rent a house and let the other 2 houses go or try to save one, but at least we would be paying 1000s of dollars less a month in mortgages. Yes, our credit would be shot, but it is already. So I started looking for a rental. Friends of ours were renting one of their houses for the winter.{ Sidenote: people pay crazy money to rent houses on Cape Cod for a week in the summer. Much more money than someone would get renting out a house year round.} So I took it thinking that the 4 of us were moving in together. That's when the "shit hit the fan" and it wound up being the girls and I moving in. Jackass is still living in one of the potential foreclosures.

I wanted to tell the girls together that we were separating. Jackass could not make himself available for this, so I wound up telling them myself before they heard it at school. (News travels zippity quick in this town, especially "bad news"). Youngest immediately burst into tears and oldest withdrew into herself. This reaction was completely what I was expecting. Youngest had a text out to about 15 friends 1/2 hour after she found out and oldest, has still yet to tell anyone. Oldest is the one closest to jackass, but also the most like him. Emotions stay close to the chest and talking is not necessarily a good thing.

We moved in to the "girls world" house the beginning of October. We each have our own bedroom. Youngest has slept in her own bed for all, but about 5 nights that we have lived here. Yes, she is 11. Yes, she had slept with me for the last 2 years. Yes, it is a Christmas miracle that she sleeps in her own bed!!!

OK, technicalities today, back to the dirt tomorrow :)

September 25th

So, after writing that letter, I just let it sit and stew. My own happiness wasn't a good enough reason to leave, I guess. On September 25th, I came home from a wedding (I am a photographer) and my sister in law invited me over for a drink. She sat me on her couch with a glass of wine and a bowl of spaghetti and talked about stupid stuff. Then she said that she had something to tell me and I said, OK.

She got really nervous and told me that her husband, jackass' brother, didn't want her to tell me this. I was like, go ahead, tell me PLEASE! She told me that jackass and vi (barn girl) were having an affair. Instead of bursting into tears and screaming like a banshee (this is what she expected), I said, "Do you have proof?"

She told me this convoluted story that went something like this.... her mom is in a craft circle 1/2 hour away with another lady (let's call her X), X's daughter was at a barn and overheard Vi tell the barn owner that she had been having an affair with her barn owner and mentioned jackass' name. X's daughter told her mother because she thought the last name was familiar. X asked my sil's Mom at craft circle time. Sil's mom said, "Oh that's my son in law's brother." And then it got back to me.

Sil was very upset, but I was actually relieved. Isn't that a weird reaction? This was the truth I had been looking for. I had asked jackass 3 times(over the past year) if he had been having an affair and he DENIED it every single time. I trusted him.

So, the next day, I sleuthed around while he was at work. Called people to see what they had to offer. The majority of people thought he was having an affair, but did not have exact proof. I figured that what I had was good enough. Circumstantial evidence.

I hit him over the head with it. Figuratively, not literally. I told him that the girls and I were leaving because he was having an affair with vi and if he could prove that he wasn't, then I was all ears. He said, "fine if that's what you believe. You can have whatever you want and I will provide for you" and he left the house.

I can tell you that those were the hardest words I have ever said.