Sunday Scramble

Stop on over to Justine's blog to learn about the Sunday Scramble. It is a time to think of the past week while you eat your scrambled eggs. Or maybe it's a time to think of how scrambled the past week was. Or maybe ....

Anyway, here goes...

*Jackass and I learned that I could go bankrupt without affecting his business or 2 of the 3 houses. Although that sounds weird and upsetting, it's actually a good thing. Don't worry, I plan on nailing his ass in the alimony/child support area.

*I told Jackass that he should tell the girls that he is dating Vi, who I am just going to call Ho from now on. I told him I wouldn't throw him under the bus and tell them that it had been going on for over a year or two, just that he started after we moved out. I told him he could either take the offensive and tell them or the defensive when they found out themselves. News flash, they are not stupid!

*I have been going through lots of old pictures with all the moving and shuffling things from house to house. What were my mom and dad thinking 10 years ago? They had the biggest damn glasses! I know, another 10 years and I will look back and think that the glasses they have now are too small. I guess I have to start a box for each of the girls, because I don't really want to keep all those fun family vacation pictures with Jackass in them. It's very strange and surreal to look at them.

*In the past month, I have had Jackass' brother and his family over for dinner along with one of my best friends and her husband who was in our wedding and their kids. We have had a great time eating, drinking and laughing together. There is a part of me that feels badly for Jackass. Whenever we had people over, I would hope that he was in a "good" mood and not in one of his black "the world is out to get me" moods. So there was a lot of effort on my part to keep everything upbeat and happy. Now it is so much more relaxing to have people over. And that makes me feel bad for Jackass. I am better friends with his family and friends than he is.

Going to try to get out in this sunshine today even though it is still cchhhiiiillllllyyyyyy!

Happy Sunday!

Sunday Scramble

Today we have Sunday Scramble sponsored by Justine. As you can see, Justine, I couldn't figure out how to get your cute pancake face on my blog, so I grabbed this one off google.

*Divorce Boot Camp:

This is where I was yesterday. Basically a class to sell some lady's book, I think. Actually she gave some very basic, sneaky information, like before you tell your spouse you are leaving, copy 3 years worth of bank statements, paystubs, utility bills, etc... There were some women there that had been separated for 8 years. What? I would have liked to know what there extenuating circumstances were.

*I stopped by Jackass' house after the class to see if oldest was there. She wasn't, but there was a nice pink folder on the counter with a sweet note from Vi with information she had looked up to help him on foreclosure. Seriously, does she need to stick her nose into our business? Of course it was signed "love V" which made me cry. It is funny the things that make me cry because I don't do it all that often.

*One of our houses was in the legal section of the paper this week for foreclosure. Yeah, that kind of hurt and has spurred me on to empty it out. That means many days spent unearthing things, packing things and getting rid of things. Youngest came to the house one day (I have been trying to keep the girls away from seeing me throw stuff away). Her comment, "You are throwing away all my childhood memories!" Trust me, I am not, but that's how she sees it. I don't blame her, you have to adapt a hard ass attitude to go through years of memories and STUFF!

*Good news is my sister is preggers and due in September!!!! She miscarried last winter, but had an ultrasound the other day and saw the little bugger's heart beating! The girls are going to freak when she tells them!!

Thanks Justine for letting me get this scrambled mess out of my head!

Music

Music has always been a constant in my life. It began at a young age because my mom always had the radio on, even when we weren't home. Blaring Boston in my bedroom when I was a teenager helped to get through those awkward years. Blaring music through my ear phones from my walkman before a competition got my psyched up. Taping music from the radio so I didn't have to buy the whole "tape" was a challenge because many times the (stupid) radio announcers talked over the song at the end!

I have always loved the words of songs. The intense emotion a singer can portray can make me smile, or cry. My song list these days is darkish, I guess. My favorite song at the moment is Beyonce's If I Were A Boy. Every word rings true, but my favorite lines are these...

If I were a boy

I think I could understand

How it feels to love a girl

I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her

Cause I know how it hurts

When you lose the one you wanted

Cause he's taking you for granted

and everythlng you had got destroyed

Another artist I love is The Fray. They have a bunch of songs that I am relating to. How to Save a Life has lots of little lines...

Step one, you say we need to talk

He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you,

You stare politely right on through,

He will do one of two things,

He will admit to everything

Or he'll just say he's just not the same

Over My Head

And suddenly, I become part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last,

I'm losing you and it's effortless

Dead Wrong

Mine is not a new story

But it is for me

Rob Thomas and Matchbox 20 has been one of my favorite artists for a long, long time. I even follow Rob on twitter because I am probably his biggest stalker, I mean fan. Their song I'll Believe You When is upbeat and true.

I could call you everyday

Give presents by the score

And I could send you pretty flowers

Have them waiting at your door.

I could write up in the sky

Forgive me I apologize

Still if I went through every measure

With my promise to be better

You'd say

I'll believe you when

When everything you say don't turn out wrong....

And some day, someone special will make me feel like I feel when I hear Edwin McCain's song I'll Be. For no matter how crappy things are, you have to have some hope in there, too.

Rain falls angry on the tin roof,

As we lie awake in my bed

You're my survival, you're my living proof

My love is alive and not dead.

Tell me that we belong together....

I'll be better when I'm older,

I'll be the biggest fan of your life.

Financial Planning 101

Why is it always around 2 am when my brain starts thinking? Probably because I shut it up around 6 with wine and by 2 am it is dry. Thank God for laptops. Seriously what did people do in the olden days when they couldn't sleep and had no one to talk to?

Jackass and I went to a financial planner yesterday. It was/is a necessity. She was actually really nice and has a good sense of humor. It's amazing how we lived on the edge for so long. Really, when you make money in waves and don't save for the down times, you can really get in a lot of financial trouble. (Duh) More than letting 2 houses go, the saddest part was her telling me I need to get a job. I told her I have been on a 12 year vacation and really like volunteering and giving my time away for free. That didn't fly with her.

Jackass opened up a bit and talked about how he would like to get out of the Northeast in the winter for a month or so and not work so hard. I guess that is one of the lines that has me awake at 2 am. What about your kids? I guess the draw of horses in Florida is stronger.

The financial lady asked why we had so many horses and if we could downsize. Haha. I had to laugh at that one. She basically told Jackass that he should live in the small house for a year or 2 on the farm and pull himself/us out of debt. I was laughing on the inside about this because I could see Jackass' pride getting in the way and the fact that his Ho lives in that little house. What would he do with her? Move in with her? Tell her to leave?

Oh, these are the questions that probably have him awake right now. Too bad he doesn't have a laptop.

Knock, Knock. Anybody home?

After about a week of living in "girls world", and jackass dropping in with donuts and the paper and reading it at MY counter, he finally gave me a letter explaining himself.

Incredibly, he still denied the affair. OK, so that means he lied to my face while looking in my eyes(3 times) and actually wrote the words on paper. So I am thinking, "My God, maybe he isn't having an affair."

I would go over to the house we had moved out of (Oh, I forgot to mention that "her" house and jackass's house are next door to each other) to get stuff from the girls' rooms etc.. or to pick up the dog. Remarkably the house was clean! And guess what? Jackass learned to make his bed AND do the dishes!!!! Oldest stayed over a few times and inbetween the 2 times, she asked me if I had changed the sheets on her bed. "Um, no." She couldn't understand who would hang up her clothes and make her bed when she wasn't there. I told her that Daddy must have hired a maid (or a Ho. Justine that was for you).

Enough was enough. I needed some answers. So one day that I knew the 2 of them weren't working and were "around" I went to find them. I really wanted to find them in bed together so I could sit down on the bed and have a discussion and neither would be able to leave. Sick and perverted, right? Well, I found them at Vi's house. Vi answered the door and said, "Jackass, your wife is here." I said that actually I had really wanted to talk to her.

Jackass came to the door begrudgingly knowing that whatever came out of my mouth wasn't going to be pretty. The 3 of us stood in Vi's teeny kitchen with her 2 dogs. Cozy. I handed Vi a sheet of December activities that included things the girls were doing, parties Jackass and I had been invited to including Jackass' parents annual party and Christmas Eve. I said, "I just wanted to give you this list of all the activities for December now that you are part of the family and all." She stared at me for a few seconds, took the paper and said, "Wow. Thank you, that was really nice." Now Jackass is turning green because he knows I am not being sincere and am being completely SARCASTIC, but Vi is not seeing it that way. She actually thought I was being NICE. Yeah, I am that nice. Come on in, immerse yourself in my family and take over my life. Sure what's not to be grateful and happy about?

The rest of the "conversation" is a bit fuzzy except for parts that stand out like the "How long has this been going on?" question. This they avoided and really wondered why it would help me if I knew and what did it really matter. I said that I NEEDED TO KNOW. "One year" they answered. I'm not sure who answered first and I questioned that the one year hadn't been longer, but they stuck to their guns about this one. Vi asked me if I wanted to take this discussion outside at one point. I was like, "why? Is there something we need to talk about not in front of Jackass?" Or was she going to pummel me like kids did to each other in Junior High behind the bike racks? It was like she was a shrink because she kept saying, "I see that you are angry" "How can we have a discussion if you are so angry?" And Jackass kept saying, "She's angry at me." Um hello, it takes 2 to tango, I was pretty mad at both of you!

I held it together until I left. Jackass followed me over to the horses where my car was. We proceeded to have an unreal discussion about how Jackass was at rock bottom and he didn't know what he was doing. Didn't know what he was doing with her either. I'm thinking "Oh, that's real nice. I am sure she would like to hear that." I told him to buck up and put his smart mind to work and DOWNSIZE. Look at this as an opportunity where he could move to Florida and live on a dude ranch and be warm year round. His dream, my nightmare.

The weird thing was that it was a relief of some sorts to hear them say a year. At least I wasn't imagining things. At least I stood up to her and let her know I wasn't going to make this easy for her. He had lied to me and that is something I do not take lightly. If there had been any chance of us reconciling it went right out the window when I realized that he lied.

What a Jackass.

Why I Moved

I knew you guys were the right crowd to spread this out to! Thanks so much for the support! Really it makes me a little embarrassed, but feel free to keep it coming!

Justine asked, 'Why didn't I make him leave?" A good question. Things were actually starting to look a little better in Sept because we were communicating. We were communicating about how much debt we were in, but I at least felt like we were on the same team, fighting for the same thing. We own 3 houses. Yes, that is definitely one of the problems. We got carried away and spent way more over the years than we should have and jackass always said, "no worries", so I went along blissfully unaware. We found out in Sept that 2 houses were entering into foreclosure status. The house that Vi lived in and that the land connected to with the horses, was safe. I can hear you yelling, "kick the bitch out and move in there yourself". Well, remember how I am allergic to horses? Well that also includes dogs, cats, any furry animal, mold, dust..... The house that she lives in is tiny and old and would kill my respiratory system. So, it was not an option.

My thought was to rent a house and let the other 2 houses go or try to save one, but at least we would be paying 1000s of dollars less a month in mortgages. Yes, our credit would be shot, but it is already. So I started looking for a rental. Friends of ours were renting one of their houses for the winter.{ Sidenote: people pay crazy money to rent houses on Cape Cod for a week in the summer. Much more money than someone would get renting out a house year round.} So I took it thinking that the 4 of us were moving in together. That's when the "shit hit the fan" and it wound up being the girls and I moving in. Jackass is still living in one of the potential foreclosures.

I wanted to tell the girls together that we were separating. Jackass could not make himself available for this, so I wound up telling them myself before they heard it at school. (News travels zippity quick in this town, especially "bad news"). Youngest immediately burst into tears and oldest withdrew into herself. This reaction was completely what I was expecting. Youngest had a text out to about 15 friends 1/2 hour after she found out and oldest, has still yet to tell anyone. Oldest is the one closest to jackass, but also the most like him. Emotions stay close to the chest and talking is not necessarily a good thing.

We moved in to the "girls world" house the beginning of October. We each have our own bedroom. Youngest has slept in her own bed for all, but about 5 nights that we have lived here. Yes, she is 11. Yes, she had slept with me for the last 2 years. Yes, it is a Christmas miracle that she sleeps in her own bed!!!

OK, technicalities today, back to the dirt tomorrow :)

September 25th

So, after writing that letter, I just let it sit and stew. My own happiness wasn't a good enough reason to leave, I guess. On September 25th, I came home from a wedding (I am a photographer) and my sister in law invited me over for a drink. She sat me on her couch with a glass of wine and a bowl of spaghetti and talked about stupid stuff. Then she said that she had something to tell me and I said, OK.

She got really nervous and told me that her husband, jackass' brother, didn't want her to tell me this. I was like, go ahead, tell me PLEASE! She told me that jackass and vi (barn girl) were having an affair. Instead of bursting into tears and screaming like a banshee (this is what she expected), I said, "Do you have proof?"

She told me this convoluted story that went something like this.... her mom is in a craft circle 1/2 hour away with another lady (let's call her X), X's daughter was at a barn and overheard Vi tell the barn owner that she had been having an affair with her barn owner and mentioned jackass' name. X's daughter told her mother because she thought the last name was familiar. X asked my sil's Mom at craft circle time. Sil's mom said, "Oh that's my son in law's brother." And then it got back to me.

Sil was very upset, but I was actually relieved. Isn't that a weird reaction? This was the truth I had been looking for. I had asked jackass 3 times(over the past year) if he had been having an affair and he DENIED it every single time. I trusted him.

So, the next day, I sleuthed around while he was at work. Called people to see what they had to offer. The majority of people thought he was having an affair, but did not have exact proof. I figured that what I had was good enough. Circumstantial evidence.

I hit him over the head with it. Figuratively, not literally. I told him that the girls and I were leaving because he was having an affair with vi and if he could prove that he wasn't, then I was all ears. He said, "fine if that's what you believe. You can have whatever you want and I will provide for you" and he left the house.

I can tell you that those were the hardest words I have ever said.

Welcome

Sometimes on a family blog too many family members read it and you can't really say what you want to say. I am feeling that my writing is being compromised because I cannot say what I really want to say much of the time. So here goes, letting it all out, as in airing out the dirty laundry.

I wrote this letter to my husband in August, but never gave it to him. It's not pretty, but go ahead and read it.

Dear JackAss,

I can’t continue on in our 1/2 assed marriage. 15 years. Is it normal to ponder divorce at least once a year for the past 12 years? I remember when oldest was born and thinking at some point, well at least I have her, if we got divorced.

You, in many people’s eyes, are a great guy. You bend over backwards to help people out. You’ve given people money, places to stay, lobsters, fish, jobs etc… It has gotten to the point, however, where you have forgotten about your family. And I don’t mean your parents, because you are always doing stuff for them and I don’t mean your brother because you are helping him, too. What I mean is me, oldest and youngest. How did we get last on your priority list? I work my ass off at our beautiful rental house every weekend in the summer when new renters come in. I take the trash to the dump, I mow the lawn, I put out the welcome basket, I do the sheets while Roxanne cleans the house…. I look longingly at the house and wish we still lived in it. But we don’t because we need the rental money. I will admit, it was my idea to rent the house in the summer. We live in a summer area and rich people spend stupid money to rent places for their vacations. The money that we make every summer is the amount that I would make if I had a full time job.

Our house, the one you were in the process of buying when I met you, is falling apart. It has needed work for many, many years and it just wasn’t a priority. Well it has gotten to the point where I am ashamed to live here. Trust me, I am very patient, actually to a fault, and my patience has run out. The dishwasher is broken. The washing machine is broken. The tub upstairs has been leaking for a month. The lawn has not been mowed since the 3rd of July. The curbside appeal is nil. Oh, yeah, and we have carpenter ants. How do you not see this shit? Or how can you ignore it? Even the girls are embarrassed to have friends over.

But the barn looks great.

Thank Heavens.

I remember when you were in one of your bouts of depression and all you did was work, sit on the couch and watch tv and sleep. You were bored. We had at least oldest by this point. I think I last uttered the word bored when I was 13. I told you to get a hobby. Go back to running like you did in HS. You chose horse back riding because oldest wanted to try it. She was 4. You used to do it when you were little. “Great idea,” I said. There was a farm down the street. Oldest loved it, youngest loved it, you loved it, I was happy that you guys loved it. The only problem was, I am highly allergic to horses. Like I said, I am patient to a fault. If horse back riding was something you guys loved, then I was happy. We bought the girls a horse for Christmas one year. Of course this horse was more suited to you because it was huge and they were little, but it was a start. You started helping Vi run the barn. There were issues with people at the barn, the town took the land back, you and Vi wanted your own barn where you didn’t have to deal with boarders, so we bought the piece of land next to our original house. That brought us up to owning 3 houses.

230 is the house that we built, that is huge
101 is the original house
67 is next to 101 and has a little house and the farm.

You decided that you were exempt from any town laws and didn’t bother letting the town know that you were going to house horses on the property. The town was not so happy. This wound up costing a buttload of money between building the correct barns, lawyers fees, etc. You set Vi up in the little house. You pay for her gas, electric, cable, water and don’t charge her to live there. She takes care of the horses. Sounds fair, right?

Let me explain this as simply as I can… You have a wife that makes you dinner, does your laundry, takes care of the kids, cleans the house AND you have a barn wife that takes care of your horses. What is it now, are we up to 10 horses? Oh and you, Vi and oldest just took one to the vet to the tune of $1000?

One of the most incredulous discussions we had this summer was “shockingly” over money.
Me, “I need some money for groceries and one of the girls needs something.”
You, “Jesus Christ, between you needing money and Vi needing money for this and that, I just can’t hang out peacefully anywhere anymore!”
What. The. Fuck.

So lately, if I am going somewhere and drive into the barn to let oldest know, I feel like I am intruding. If you are there and Vi is there it is like the 2 of you walk in 2 different directions AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Do I think you are having a sexual affair with her? No, but others do. Do I think you are having an emotional affair with her? Um, YEAH. You two ride together, you 2 drive to shows with oldest and the other girls and stay overnight, you text, you talk, you probably know more about her than you do me. You are her go to guy when something is upsetting. Both of your names are on the business cards with hers on top.

I seem to remember you being JM’s knight in shining armor years ago. If she was in need of a crying shoulder, you were there. If you were both drunk at a bar, you were magnetically attracted to one another. The 2 of you disappeared for a bit at MY SISTER’S WEDDING. My sister gave you hell one night in our driveway while I was standing there. She said all the things I could not say. You dropped JM’s “friendship” like a hot pocket.

Then, there is the chronic depression. OK, depression runs in your family. Your mom hasn’t realized it yet, but it does. OCD runs in my family. I go to a therapist, I am on medication that helps me. You are on medication that is barely enough for a fly, and you insist that it doesn’t work. Or maybe you realize it does work when you take it consistently and you are scared to take medication for the rest of your life because it somehow makes you less of a man. All I know is that it helps you. It makes you the guy I fell in love with. You are relaxed, you smile, you remember that you have another daughter (you know, youngest, the one that is now scared to death of horses), you are generally fun to be around. When you are not on it, you are suicidal. I am tired of you threatening suicide. It eats me up inside. You are depressed. You do nothing, but work, sleep and watch tv.

I. CAN’T. HANDLE. IT. ANYMORE.

I have given you so many chances, I embarrass myself. What has been holding me back from divorcing you?
*The fact that we are up to our eyeballs in debt.
*The girls.
*What other people will think. That’s a doozy right? I shouldn’t care what other people think, but part of me does. People see you as a great guy. It’s at home where you are not such a great guy. You don’t hit me, or yell at me, or even hang out at the bars at night. It’s what you are doing to my insides that people can’t see and that I don’t feel like explaining. How does it look when I say the guy who has graciously let me stay home and raise 2 beautiful girls, taken us on vacation to Disney a bunch of times is really depressed, doesn’t give a shit about what I do, doesn’t take into account that I am highly allergic to horses, tells me that maybe he’ll just end it anytime I bring up a touchy conversation….
*The fact that you will get the girls for visitation. Fine for oldest, she will happily ride horses with you all day and night, but what about youngest? She is afraid of the horses and has so many other interests that you often don’t get.

Irregardless of those facts, I don’t see another option. We have tried repeatedly to get this to work and it just isn’t. Your promises are not worth a grain of salt anymore. We have grown in 2 different directions and that happens, but it’s time to break the bond.

I did wind up giving him this letter after I finally left on October 1st. The affair that I denied to the nth degree? Yup, it was real. That's a whole' nother post.

Welcome aboard!